hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
