my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
