at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
