You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
