nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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