My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
