We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
