would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
