I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
