Will you blow on my dice?
he shaved USA in his pubs
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
