Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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