apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
