Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
