My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
