Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
