My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
