We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
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I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
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