You just made me feel so damn special
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
