I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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