i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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