They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
