So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
