You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
