I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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