M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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