I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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