I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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