Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
