i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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