Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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