Just cropdusted the office
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
