i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
