I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think my moral compass just broke
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