Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
