OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
