happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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