you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
