my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
