omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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