just tell him i said nine months
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
