I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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