Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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