LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
