I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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