I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
