from now on my penis is your penis
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
