We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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