I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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