How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
