I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I need a beard to bite.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
