Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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