Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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