the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
