saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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