"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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