she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
