I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize