oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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