why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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